The Bachelorette – Season 8, Episode 4 – Emily and her boys head off to Bermuda. (ABC)
Like the episode of Mad Men where Megan Draper sang “Zou Bisou Bisou,” last night’s installment of the Bachelorette marked the point in the series where things actually started to happen, and the show’s former villain, Kalon, faded Betty Draper–like into the background to make room for more interesting plotlines.
As always, Chris Harrison kicked things off by explaining how the show works; you know, in case there are guys on the show who lose their memories every night a la Drew Barrymore in Fifty First Dates. Everyone is present in their bromancing best, including rehab counselor and Antonio Sabato Jr. lookalike Michael, who donned his Clearasil commercial–ready yellow headband for the morning meeting. He’s so pretty.
Before we knew it, we were whisked off to Bermuda to kickstart the funded-by-tourist-bureaus portion of the show, and the boys had morphed into a moped gang, storming the island paradise that, in the Bachelorette’s words, had “Emily written all over it”—mainly because of the plethora of pink houses on offer. (Sounds like someone’s having a Barbie Malibu Beach House–themed bridal shower!)
Emily decides to kick off her island getaway with a one-on-one with Doug, who Emily’s future husband Arie hilariously likens to the Hulk: “Doug angry! Doug smash! Doug Sad.”
Of course our heroine sees nothing green or mean about him, in fact, his so-called perfection is what seems to be the problem, so after perusing the glass figurine offerings at the seaside getaway (“what married couples do” according to Em), she decides to grill him on his least flattering side.
Digging deep into the archive of shame, Doug comes clean about his lack of auto hygiene, and how in past relationships, he has a history of neglecting the car. The horror! But Emily’s no angel either. She runs errands in nothing but… wait for it… pajamas.
Game over. These social pariahs are clearly meant for each other, because if anyone else finds out the awful truth, there’s no way they’ll stick around.
On the bright side, if Emily does choose Doug, it will always feel like they have at least one other person’s approval, since Doug narrates from the perspective of Doug.
“If Emily wants a kiss from Doug she’ll let Doug know she wants a kiss,“ he tells us. But sadly Emily didn’t let Doug or Doug know she wanted a kiss, other than screwing up her cute little pajama-loving face each time Doug shied away from a lip-lockortunity. The meal ends with polite conversation while we are left to admire Emily’s amazing art deco-inspired mirrored drop hoop earrings. With her gem-encrusted cream jersey minidress they do look stunning, but let’s be honest: with his complexion, Michael would rock the hell out of those.
Soon it’s time for the group date, which on Bermuda takes the shape of a red team and a yellow team reenacting White Squall.
As Mrs. Arie Emily looks on in the episode’s much-anticipated debut pair of denim cutoffs (everyone drink!) and Arie’s hoodie, the yellow team emerges victorious, while the red team drowns in a flood of Charlie’s tears. “It was hard for me to celebrate with the yellow team with the red team looking so sad,” Emily confides, so the buzz-killing losers are sent home in a van to obsess over what went wrong while Charlie cries a bit more.
But enough about those complete and utter failures, let’s toast to Emily, or in Ryan’s first of many eloquent words of the evening, “A fun day of racing and a beautiful trophy possible wife.” Seduced by Ryan’s sweet talking, Emily sneaks off for a private conversation with Mr. Manners, who has apparently been consulting with Spider-Man’s ill-fated Uncle Ben in preparation for this conversation.
“As a Bachelorette, she’s been given a great responsibility and I want to see her do a lot with it,” he tells us, before reminding us that his still waters run deep, even if he doesn’t seem to have a strong grasp on what exactly “depth” means, and also has a fetish for shoehorning prepositions into sentences.” “There’s a lot of depth here, to who I am; I’m not here to impress you, but to make an impression upon you.”
“Some of the things that come out of your mouth, I’m like where in the world does that come from?” Emily wonders aloud, before running down such greatest hits as, “if you ain’t cheatin’ you ain’t trying” and “I’ll love you but I won’t love on you.”
But Ryan is on too hot of a roll to stop to reminisce about his potential line of catchphrase-emblazoned T-shirts: “God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman,” he tells Emily, before reprimanding her for being a beautiful woman with a propensity for PDA with Arie.
Suitably chastened, Emily crosses “straddle Arie and pin a rose to his shirt with my teeth” off her list, and gives the prize to Jef instead, perhaps to reward him for his totally awesome Morrissey haircut.
Next up: Emily dons our favorite swimwear selection yet, a rainbow-hued crocheted bikini accessorized with a gauzy white shawl with pink and purple stripes, for a shipwreck waiting to happen. It's a two-on-one sailing date to the Bermuda Triangle, followed by dinner in a cave, with a couple of guys she has zero interest in, Wolf and Nate.
In case, like Emily, you haven’t noticed either one of them by now, Wolf is a self proclaimed “closer” whose deep love for Emily stems from a desire to fall in love with a woman “like Emily,” mostly so he can be like his friends. “My friends are engaged, married, two of my best friends have kids.” he tells us, prompting us to bemoan the fact that all of Wolf’s friends are taken, because hey, it sounds like they’re a barrel of hot commodities.
Meanwhile, Nate is a lover of quinoa (we find this out during the threesome’s scintillating dinner convo) and Miami Vice casual, who also has some seriously great peeps in his life.
“My parents have been married 30 years, my brother is the most amazing guy I’ve ever met in my entire life, my friends are amazing,” he sputters, before breaking down in tears. We’re not sure if he’s homesick or if he thinks he’s actually not coming back from the Bermuda Triangle, and thus will never be reunited with these amazing people again, but either way he’s toast. Emily responds with her telltale “no rose for you” line, “Bless you’re heart, you’re sweet.”
But don’t feel too bad for Nate. Just because Emily would rather hole up alone in a subterranean cave in the Bermuda Triangle with a Wolf doesn’t mean... okay yeah, that’s pretty bad.
Amazingly, Emily and Wolf find their way out of the Bermuda Triangle in time for the rose ceremony, where Emily debuts a stunning island ensemble. Her figure-hugging white jumpsuit ties at the waist, and is finished with strand upon strand of oversized water pearl necklaces, a locket, and Madonna’s ponytail from the Blonde Ambition tour. Strong.
Not to be outdone, Jef accessorizes his shiny new rose with a Bagger Vance meets sk8r boy ensemble: blue knee socks, brown lace-ups, khaki shorts and a black button-down. We’re not sure what to say about this.
Maybe it’s a good time to interrupt the broadcast for a special fireside preview of the Bachelor, Augusta, brought to you by Ryan. “Emily, I like what I see in her, I see that there’s great potential, but then again, to be very honest with you, I feel like I’m called to something bigger, you know?” he offers by way of a teaser. “If this whole thing doesn’t work out, let’s do Bachelor Ryan—Bachelor Augusta. If I was the Bachelor, I would be ready to open my heart up and it would be neat for everybody to see.”
Hmm, it would be neat (in a messy way) to get an up-close look at Ryan’s heart split open, but I guess we’ll just have to wait for the fall schedule.
After Doug and Chris fight about who is more mature and how annoying and unbelievable Doug’s humility is (if Chris only knew about Doug’s secret car shame, he wouldn’t be so suspicious), Emily makes the heart-wrenching decision to dismiss two suitors. Say goodbye to Charlie, and her main competition in the beauty stakes: Michael.
It must have been hard to let go of something so beautiful, but to paraphrase sensei Ryan: The enemy of great is good, and the enemy of a pretty reality TV star is a gorgeous and distracting would-be male model with a ponytail.
